NBA Draft (yawn) 2008

I bring you this last minute post in the event that I can salvage some precious hours of your life. Back in the day when I actually had cable (it was free) and I could watch ESPN nonstop, besides being perfectly happy I was also naive in some respects. The first year I had ESPN I waited with anticipation for the NFL draft. It was going to be the best day of my life. I was going to sit in front of the television and watch history happen. But then something tragic happened. No, my cable didn't get disconnected for failure to pay the bill (it was actually free with the apartment), but what happened was even worse. Stupid Eli Manning and his daddy decided that they didn't want to play for San Diego, so they decided that they were going to sabotage the whole day and when he was picked first by the Chargers it was like watching Clay Aiken get a kiss from Angelina Jolie--it was something he didn't want. As I sat through the next few picks I realized that the 15 minute gap in between was the longest 15 minutes of my life. It was stupid.

Then the NFL decided to do this whole deal where the team would announce who they were going to pick before the draft even started--what the heck is that all about? It's like saying "I do" before the bride walks down the aisle. It takes the suspense out of the whole thing. Pretty soon the NBA followed suit and players were receiving millions of dollars before the draft had even begun. I soon came to realize that what could, and should be one of the most exciting events in sports, has become nothing but a bunch of athletes sitting around the table with family members waiting in a tremendously long line for a family portrait.

So for all of you who plan on watching the NBA Draft tonight, DON'T!!! I'll tell you right now what is going to happen. The Chicago Bulls will select Derrick Rose with the first pick in the NBA Draft. If I am wrong I will let you take care of my youngest daughter until the NBA season starts--she's real sweet, but watch out--she eats poop. Back to Rose: He's a hometown boy, the NBA league is becoming more PG friendly, and the kid is a stud. He's a proven winner and if Douglas-Roberts (or Rose for that matter) could have made a few free throws, he would have an NCAA Championship to boot. (While we're on that topic, does anyone else feel bad for John Calipari?? I have always liked the guy from his UMASS days, and he's got some bad luck)

Second pick: Drum roll please....is Michael Beasley. They guy is a beast. He will be a 20/10 guy in two years, has a huge wingspan and he is intimidating. You know Dwayne Wade is pulling for Beasley. I'm sure him and Chuck are talking right now about getting Beasley some sockies for his feety-feety. You know, a welcome to Miami house-warming gift.

And that's it. The rest doesn't matter. I'm sure we'll have a bunch of international floppers taken in the first round--just hope they get flopping bonuses when they sign to compensate for the fines they will be receiving next year.

My advice to you: skip the NBA draft and check ESPN.com tomorrow. I leave you with some suggestions that I faxed David Stern to improve the ratings of the NBA Draft. Only watch the draft is you catch word that these changes will be airing. I'm on hold right now with Stern's office and I just got confirmation that the fax went through!!

1. As each player is picked, we turn it into a slam dunk contest. They get selected, grab a ball, and give us their best "Dee Brown-I-really-am-covering-my-eyes-my-arm-is-not-see-through-like-Cedric-Ceballos'-black-headband" dunk.

2. Serve them cocktails while they are waiting to get picked so if they slide down they really get mad, also it would make for some better acceptance speeches if they were hosed. (I do not support alcohol in any form--I'm just saying)

3. As a player is picked, do a bio on "Where they are now" about each draftee's father. (If this one was offensive, I'm sorry)

4. Each team has as many seconds to pick as they had wins in the season. So #2 Miami would have exactly 15 seconds to make their selection after Chicago picks, who else, Derrick Rose. The Celtics would have the most time to select, a whole minute and six seconds.

5. Have each player read a 300 word essay on "Why you should pick me first and let me have hundreds of millions of dollars."

A programming note for those who WON'T be watching the NBA Draft tonight, Dr Phil, airing on KJZZ starts at 8pm MST as does So You Think You Can Dance, airing on FOX.